In case you haven't heard -- I'm officially pregnant -- almost 20 weeks to be exact. We had this all planned out - and couldn't be happier.
Until you get news that changes everything.
Over a week ago, we went in for our routine sonogram - hoping to find out whether we're having a little boy or girl. Personally, I was hoping for a little boy for Tanner. He needs more little boy playmates in his life :)
A few hours and specialists later - we leave the doctor's office still not knowing for sure. Looking back, I think this bothers me the most. I like to think the doctor's were too busy concentrating on the more important matter at hand -- but I still can't help but wonder whether they also thought I might get "too attached" to this little one by telling me. Sorry, but it's a little too late for that. This little one has been with me for 4 1/2 months, there's not turning back now.
It turns out our little one is not growing and developing properly -- most likely caused by a rare chromosome disorder. The left side of the heart is underdeveloped. There's a significant amount of edema (swelling) and liquid in each of the vital organs, brain, heart, and skin. And there's a really low amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby that helps to protect and keep umbilical cord in place.
What does all this mean? The baby is most likely not going to make it full term and will pass away in veto. Even best case scenario - the baby breathes a breathe outside the womb, it would not by for very long. I said most likely, but really the specialist said 0% chance prefaced by the miracles that defy even the best professional opinion.
You now know everything I know.
At times, I wish I could have somehow magically seen this coming, but then again, sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Nighttime is the hardest. There's nothing else to distract me. I lay awake at night, wondering if the they're still alive, wondering if I can feel them moving, wondering if they can feel how sick they may be, and wondering what lies ahead for this little one.
There's a moment where I feel like I need the childlike faith to hope for a miracle that this little one will beat the odds and survive.
Then other times I feel like I need to have faith and accept that living might not be part of God's plan for the little one.
Either way, it seems like FAITH is the only thing that can keep me grounded. Peace does come knowing our Saviour can truly relate to my situation - He having felt our pains and sorrows as He suffered on our behalf - individually and collectively - in the Garden of Gethsemane.
My only options are to terminate the pregnancy or wait it out -- see what Heavenly Father has in store for this little one. And as long as they're willing to fight...I can't seem to cut them short of that opportunity.
