Grateful

Grateful for the long nights I layed awake, feeling her move inside.

Grateful Aubrey went away peacefully and quitely - never having to suffer phyiscally with her etermities in this world.

Grateful for my little ray of sunshine, Tanner, that calmly reassures me "It okay Mommy" when he sees me feeling sad. He's been the strong one all along...

Grateful for modern day medicine, without I may not have physically survived.

Gratefule for my sweet husband who's always by my side - whether it's just to hold me and let me cry.

And when it all seems like too much, grateful for one little pill that magically makes me fall asleep.

Grateful to have time to spend together as a family - I've been able to take off plenty of time from work and Anthony was off of school for 2 weeks right when everything happened.

Grateful for the wonderful nurses -- who were so sweet and comforting -- and brought me a popsicle against the dr's orders :)


Grateful for sisters who just know what I'm thinking and feeling without having to say a word.

Grateful for family and friends who shared words of comfort and sympathy, flowers, and food -- endless amounts making it impossible to lose this baby weight. It made me realize how often our prayers are answered through them.

Grateful for the understanding and compassion I have for other woman. Thru this experience I've realized how many others have experienced all too similar of a loss -- miscarriage, stillborn, and a child gone too soon. Or I think the hardest yet, infertility.

Grateful for the knowledge that Aubrey is with Our Saviour and other loved ones who have passed away.

Grateful for the FAITH and HOPE I have for eternal families -- I will get to return to live with her and see her in her perfect form one day.

Grateful for a loving Savior -- who suffered so that my sins may be forgiven and receive grace to return to live them one day. And the comfort only HE can provide.

Grateful for little Aubrey Faith -- who has forever changed my life and make me want to be a better person.

Tanner's Two!

Tanner's Birthday Party at Pump It Up! Bounce House

(i.e. his favorite place in the whole wide world)

Did I mention how impossible it is to capture pics when he's on the go???

Our Friends & Family

Love these pics on the slide!

The adults are really just BIG KIDS!

Afterwards, we headed to our home for cake and goodies.

I attempted to make an ice cream cake, but I ran out of time to let it get frozen solid.

It turned into the perfect mudslide!!

Tanner, of course, sneaking a bite of cake.

Tanner got more STUFF than he did at Christmas. He was in Heaven!

Thanks everyone for celebrating his special day.

We love this little boy with our hearts!!

Tannerisms

Here's a post dedicated to Tanner and the things that make him one of a kind.

He's quite the jokester. And still makes the crazy silly faces on command like he use to when he was just a baby. Love it.

Likes to run around the house it circles. I'm told this is normal behavior for a two year old.

Inherited our OCD tendencies. For example, he'll line up his truck - every single one -- in a perfect row. He remembers where every toy belongs and always puts them back in the right spots, has to have a napkin when he eats in case his hands get dirty, and the list goes on. The poor child...

The kid can hear a garbage truck coming from miles away. Every Friday, at precisely 7:45, Tanner hears it coming and we go running outside to watch. Usually I'm half dressed, but somehow always make it out in time. And then we stare as they empty our trash. A little embarrassing, but it's the highlight of his day.

Sandbox - I had mixed feelings about getting one. I knew he would LOVE it, but did I really want him covered in sand every day??

Mastered the art of jumping - but not without much teasing on our end. We'd hold something over his head and laugh hysterically as he tried to jump. It's not as funny now that he can actually do it.

Time Out - Tanner goes through moments where he's a complete and total grumpycakes...in which case he goes to time out until he can be happy. No everytime we goes to time out, we hear the words "I'm Happy, I'll Happy Now". It still works it's magic, every time.

But now he thinks he can scream or hit, give us a hug and kiss, and pass the whole time out session. And I admit, it's hard to follow through when he's wrapped around giving me a hug. But why does he have to be so difficult one more and so dang cute the next??

Loves to go for walks with his his tricylcle - exept he ends up wanting to PUSH it rather than RIDE it. Ugh!

Laughs hysterically when you try to take away his pacifier playfully (for real, he screams feriously) or tell him something of his is actually yours - my pacificier, my Daddy, my Katie.

He's always coming up with new activities to play -- using the laudry basket or jump rope as a ride along train.

Throws baseballs and footballs. Sometimes he stands only a foot or two in front of you. If this happens, be scared. He's got a good arm.

Loves going buh-bye. It doesn't matter the reason. Maybe it's the endless possibilities of seeing trucks, trains, buses, tractors, or airplanes. Or getting to listen to the Woo-woo Dance. "I'm so happy - or so happy. Ooh La-la so Happy! - Everyone doing the Woo-Woo Dance."

Was totally offended when I "let" the doctor look in his ears/mouth. We totally had to hold him down, which is near impossible. Then his shots. Afterwards, he wanted nothing to do with me. Only cried for his daddy.

Cars - Tells me "my turn to drive" when we're riding in the car.
I was bringing in the groceries the other day and decided it was fine if he played in the car for a few minutes. When I game back to the car, I started freaking out cause he locked himself in the car in the 100+ degree weather. And my keys were in my purse in the car. But oh wait -- Tanner had found them and turned ON the car!! He tried to unlock the car - but he kept hitting the opposite button. Luckily, the spare key wasn't too far away, I just had to remember were he kept it.

Pretends to kill cockroaches. Hmm - where does he get this from? unfortunately, he's seen anthony or myself a time or two. Despite our best pest control efforts, we still get an unwelcomed creatures. and nothing makes me more nervous. tanner, on the other hand, has a totally different reaction.

When we go for walks, he wants to walk up, ring the doorbell, and say hi to everyone house. "Go say Hi" he repeats endlessly. He thinks they're all like our neighbor Aunt Nell, who's the sweetest old lady always enticing him with milk and yogurt covered pretzels. She never ceases to disappoint Tanner when we go for visits.

On our road trip to Kansas, he apparently got sick. With no notice, he vomited all the apple juice he just drank. I guess it could be worse, but when it's midnight and you've still got 3 hours to go, it's bad. But Tanner never ceases to make us laugh. Afterwards, Tanner told us, "Mommy, I burped!"

He's quite the happy little man, when he wants to be. And when he's happy, you'll catch him signing songs while he's playing. Or driving in the car. Any time of the day, really? Our favorites include - I Love You, ABC, Mr. Golden Sun, Twinkle Twinkle, Clean-up, etc. I don't know how he learned 1/2 the songs he does.

Tanner's been introduced to TV -- and there's no turning back. It took a while for the immersion to happen - he didn't want anything to do with it. Until he learned of Thomas the Train or Barney. Now he's addicted. But it comes in handy when he wakes up before 7 (I don't function in morning)... but when I'm conscious - it lowers my IQ to watch those shows and thinks it does the same for him.

One morning I woke-up to Tanner coloring himself with markers. One leg was completely green and the other blue; apparently, he decided he didn't want to be white anymore. I asked Anthony why the heck he left Tanner at the table with markers and he had no recollection of what I was talking about. Then I realized - Anthony left extra early without telling me - and Tanner had the whole house to himself. Afterwards, I considered myself lucky his body was the only thing he chose to color.

We've eased into the whole potty-training thing and he takes his turn going potty on the toiliet several times a day. Finally, I decided he might be ready for training pants (the extra thick cotton ones). Well - Tanner thought they were the coolest thing ever - but all for the wrong reason. He kept hiding his toys in there, like a bouncy ball. No wonder the kept falling down...

We're working on Tanner learning his letters. Now that his master teacher Avery is gone...it's much harder. He can sign the ABC's, but recongizing them is a whole different story. One day, he informed me the NIKE swoosh symbol on his shirt was the letter A. And since then, anything that closely resembles a letter/number/symbol, he refers to as A.

The reason I'm always late for work in the morning. Tanner wanted some war paint...and got caught putting on mascara -- he always tries to copy me when I'm getting ready. And if you look closely, he's soaking wet from jumping in the shower with me. Ugh!

Tanner has outgrown his crib. We thought up switching over to the Toddler bed - until we set it up and he started pushing the bed around on the hardwood floors.

He's still completely and totally obsessed with his "blank blank" and "paci" -- but only at bedtime. When he wakes up, he puts it right where they belong. But it has to be his idea - if you do it for him, many unpleasanties will follow and you'll regret it.

But at the end of the day, he's still my little baby. And sometimes, that's all I want him to be.

Tanner's surprise!

Tanner never ceases to surprise me.

Yesterday, he went pee in the pot for the first time. Completely and totally on his own. After his bath, he wanted to sit on the toilet and guess what, he actually went! Not just a little, but a lot. And then again tonight.

I haven't even attempted to start potty training him, but maybe this is a sign it's time to start. Won't it just me wonderful if he did this completely on his own?? I don't think I'm that lucky -- but I'll admit I'm totally clueless on how to do this and don't really have the patience.

He was SO proud of himself and couldn't help but laugh the entire time! He also LOVED the toilet paper and watching it all go down. Seriously, such a Big BIG BOY!!!

I'm not sure I'm ready for him to grow up -- but I sure am ready to stop changing those diapers.

Aubrey Faith Callison

Our sweet little angel was born into heaven on July 29th at 4:20 pm. At only 5 months (150 days), she weighed 11 oz and was 6 1/4 inches long.

She was fighter, beating the odds and surving as long as she did. She was also very sick and know she's in a much better place now.

We'll always LOVE & miss you!!

Bittersweet

In case you haven't heard -- I'm officially pregnant -- almost 20 weeks to be exact. We had this all planned out - and couldn't be happier.

Until you get news that changes everything.

Over a week ago, we went in for our routine sonogram - hoping to find out whether we're having a little boy or girl. Personally, I was hoping for a little boy for Tanner. He needs more little boy playmates in his life :)

A few hours and specialists later - we leave the doctor's office still not knowing for sure. Looking back, I think this bothers me the most. I like to think the doctor's were too busy concentrating on the more important matter at hand -- but I still can't help but wonder whether they also thought I might get "too attached" to this little one by telling me. Sorry, but it's a little too late for that. This little one has been with me for 4 1/2 months, there's not turning back now.

It turns out our little one is not growing and developing properly -- most likely caused by a rare chromosome disorder. The left side of the heart is underdeveloped. There's a significant amount of edema (swelling) and liquid in each of the vital organs, brain, heart, and skin. And there's a really low amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby that helps to protect and keep umbilical cord in place.

What does all this mean? The baby is most likely not going to make it full term and will pass away in veto. Even best case scenario - the baby breathes a breathe outside the womb, it would not by for very long. I said most likely, but really the specialist said 0% chance prefaced by the miracles that defy even the best professional opinion.

You now know everything I know.

At times, I wish I could have somehow magically seen this coming, but then again, sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Nighttime is the hardest. There's nothing else to distract me. I lay awake at night, wondering if the they're still alive, wondering if I can feel them moving, wondering if they can feel how sick they may be, and wondering what lies ahead for this little one.

Really -- I don't know what to HOPE for. One more days seems like one more miracle this little one stays alive and comes closer to meeting the odds. But if it doesn't change the end result, it's only going to be one more day I grow attached.

There's a moment where I feel like I need the childlike faith to hope for a miracle that this little one will beat the odds and survive.

Then other times I feel like I need to have faith and accept that living might not be part of God's plan for the little one.

Either way, it seems like FAITH is the only thing that can keep me grounded. Peace does come knowing our Saviour can truly relate to my situation - He having felt our pains and sorrows as He suffered on our behalf - individually and collectively - in the Garden of Gethsemane.

My only options are to terminate the pregnancy or wait it out -- see what Heavenly Father has in store for this little one. And as long as they're willing to fight...I can't seem to cut them short of that opportunity.

Seattle

I'm a behind in posting...but then again, what's new!

Katelynn - my youngest sister - officially graduated from high school. We had to see it to believe it:) We had a great time spending time with the family -- and enjoyed every minute of it!!

Us Texans FROZE during the outdoor graduation. It's JUNE - but the weather was in the 50s - cold and wet. While everyone else was dressed in jeans and jackets, we were wearing dresses! We huddled together the best we could...

I'm not sure how we every survived the ceremony --but Tanner managed to make every face possible. Oh - I LOVE those cheeks - but they're quickly disappearing! Help!!!
Katie was dying to celebrate...but the only thing close to being open at midnight on a weekday was Muckleshoot Bingo. Don't be fooled by the name - there was some intense BINGO players there. Myself, on the other hand, made the most of the two dollar nachos, and enjoyed some great people watching!

Bremerton Washington -

The next day we explored the Puget Sound and took ferry to the other side -- Bremerton. The highlight of the day - by far - was the ferry ride.

Tanner seriously thought he was driving the boat on this arcade game. It kept him occupied forever...and whenever we left...he'd always find his way back.

When we got to Bremerton, we visited the Navy Musuem.

Tanner enjoyed dressing up like his Uncle Collin -- who's currently serving the US Navy.

It was interesting learning about the living conditions on the ships. After seeing how little personal space -- and sleeping space they have -- I don't think I could spend one night - let alone a month - on the ship.

Afterwards, Tanner enjoyed looking at the fountains and playing on the sculpted playground made out of marble statues. For once, the sun came out and it was absolutely gorgeous!

The sisters!

Maple Valley Carnival

Lucky for us, the carnival was in town. Tanner enjoyed a few rides --while I helped myself to the best food ever - elephant ears.

Avery's highlight was the bumper cars with Nanny. It was pretty entertaining to watch those too.

While Tanner loved the rides, he was ECSTATIC about getting to ride in a real school bus. It served as the 'shuttle' and took us to the our car. We were the last ones off the bus -- and Tanner insisted on running up and down the aisles a few times before he said goodbye.

I hope he's still this excited about a school bus when he's in Kindergarten.

The Bouncy Place

Sitting back and relaxing

Tanner and Avery LOVED to feed the dogs. The dogs cooperated for the first 15 mins...but there's a limit to how much they can eat that Tanner and Avery never seemed to find.

And much to my mother's display, Tanner liked sitting on my mom's prized dog statue.
Thanks for the fun visit!! In just a few more days - the parents are coming into town and we get to do it all over again - this time in Dallas!

Camping Out!

This past weekend we headed to the woods and went camping. It's been one of those things we've talked about for years - seriouly like 5! I'm so glad we were finally able to go.

We were a little discouraged once we realized we had to hike-in the the campsite - with TONS & TONS of stuff. Definitely not prepared. And no running water/toilets is always a fun surprise. It seemed like the rest of the day we couldn't cool off. Except for me - I'm always cold. Then I realized it won't be a camping trip if everything went as planned. And days later - it's looking back and being able to laugh at the hardaches that makes the trip really fun.

Tanner didn't waste any time kickin' back and relaxing.

B

An endless supply of mud/dirt/rocks can keep him occupied for hours. This time I didn't mind cause it wasn't my backyard they were tearing apart.

They were constantly trying to escape to the lake - which was especially worrisome.

He also tried to win over the group of 12+ tween girls having a sleepover next to us. He picked flowers just for them - and was constantly picking them.

Most of Tanner's time was spent gathering random leaves/sticks - just like this collection.

Luckily, he didn't stumble across any poison ivy.

One of my favorites - FOOD! Seriously, it's always better when you have to work for it. Tin foil dinners, S'mores, and eggs/sausage - tastes SO much better when you're camping. I also think I downed a whole bag of Doritos waiting for food to cook...but that's another story.

Tanner had fun playing with his two favorite friends - Sarah and Avery. Really the best part is always the company. Thanks!

Tannerisms

Tanner repeats - Mommy, I WUV you!!

Easily counts to 3 - and fills in some of the numbers as you count to 10. He's a genius! No - more likely just another accountant in the family.

Uncle Kenneth told Tanner he had to go poo - and Tanner ran to bring him a diaper.

Laughs uncontrollably when I ask him to give me his pacifier and he puts it in my mouth.

Throws tauntrums or screams to try to get his way. But if you threaten to put him in time out, he instantly composes himself and whispers "okay" is his sweet little baby boy voice. It works like a charm, at least for now, but am dreading the day it stops working.

When he burped the other day, he said "Excuse Tanner." I have Avery to thank for teaching this boy manners.

While changing his diaper, Tanner escaped and went right to the toilet. I was shocked - we didn't think we'd even attempt to cross this bridge til he turned 2. Do you think it's time??

Shakes his booty when he runs - he twists it side to side and it's too cute. We purposefully make him run across the room so we can see him do it!

When he hurts himself - falls down, bumps his head, runs into the wall - he says, "I sorry.
Who are you apologizing to - yourself??

He wants to be outdoors 24/7 - and would live in a tent outside if I let him. Likely, he likes to hide in the bushes w/Avery, make mud pies and leaf piles. And he recently discovered roly poly's - which unfortunately - don't make it that long next to Tanner.

Will do anything for a Starburst Jelly Bean. Who wouldn't??

Take time to smell the roses

Or in Tanner's case, blow on them!

Smile - even when plans change

And remember, life is better when you have a friend by your side